4/8/21, 1:54 am
I was listening to Dreamland by Glass Animals. Not even 30 seconds into the song I got that nagging "guess who!" feeling. It's not like a presence next to you, more like a presence inside of you. Its like I felt that presence push some of me aside and make room to listen to the song. I could tell it was C. He loves this song and a lot of Glass Animals' other songs. The song means as much to him as it does to me- probably for different reasons but, yknow.
The way that I see it is that Dreamland is like.. The "album" or in this case the "world" that I created, you know? Like the internal space in my head thats a distraction from the actual world. It's not a complete detachment from the world or just rejecting reality entirely, cause it couldn't ever be that no matter how hard I try. And believe me, I tried. It's nothing permanent, and in the end you HAVE to come back. But sometimes the little getaway you can give yourself is enough, just for a while before you can open your eyes again and keep going.
Specifically the lyric "You've had too much of the digital love. You want everything live, you want things you can touch" reminds me a lot of myself. As much as life sucks, I want to be able to live. I thought my internal world, internal people, were replacements for what I didn't think I could deal with in life. Sometimes you need it more than usual, and thats okay! But I made it a necessity to indulge in it every single second. As long as I was distracted I was happy yknow? I'm really glad that I didn't go through that egocide shit. I still need to be here and do things cause theres no one else who can do it for me. Not even my headmates.
Sorry, tangent. I was trying my best to keep this chill but I um, don't think I succeeded? I hope this was an interesting enough read. I was originally gonna make this just about the nice moment I had with C but I guess I wanted to get a lil bit deeper for some reason.
Hope I didn't seem like I was trying to act smart (I don't think smart people take 1 hour to write cause they cant think straight).
I should probably be heading to sleep... Or something like that. Goodbye ^^.
current mood: sleepy
current music: glass animals - dreamland
3/26/21, 1:14 am
Focusing on my work is still hard, but that's alright; I feel good and I guess that's all that matters. Earlier today I got the overwhelming urge to dig up my ps2 from my house, and so I did! I probably looked like such a weirdo hugging my ps2 that looked like the spaghetti monster with all the cables, but its been a while since I was able to Actually play with it. It was all dirty and dusty and I considered giving it a clean. I might do it sometime, I just really dont wanna mess it up somehow. I think I have such a connection with my ps2 because its the oldest thing that I own that hasn't either gotten lost, broke, or any other crap like that. That and also it's an important part of my childhood, ofc.
The controller was all busted up, dirty, and the little control stick things didn't have the cushion stuff. I spent a while messing with it, clicking the buttons and stuff, but I knew it wasn't gonna hold up when it came to playing games. I got a new controller from "Game Planet"! I won't go on about it for too long but there was a ton of cool stuff there. Not only did they actually have the things I needed for the ps2 (who even thinks about the ps2 anymore?) but they had a bunch of old consoles, AND games! I picked up Final Fantasy from the game place also, just because I missed having more than one game to play.
I am really draggin this story out I'm sorry, BUT I ended up hooking it up after a lot of trial and error (you have to turn the TV on component/av. not hdmi, future Paris...).
I played some Kingdom Hearts, which wasn't really apart of my childhood but it was still cool nonetheless! If you have a love for your old childhood consoles like me, you know EXACTLY how good it feels to boot it up for the first time in a while and just take in all the old, strange looking menus and stuff. The feeling of the controller was really weird on my hands. I wasn't used to an actual good controller and not my beat up, loose, flimsy one. I almost felt sad replacing my old controller. I dunno, maybe I'm just being weird but it made me feel happy seeing it all wore down because it showed that it had history and importance. I don't think I would've had the same nostalgia burst if my stuff was in mint condition.
So... Thats a thing that made me happy today!
Oooof, I'm sorry for geeking out so much over this. I just missed being able to do this.
If you read through this entire thing then wow, you have a lot of patience. I really don't know if anyone is actually reading this but if you are then, thanks! Goodnight. Its 2 am and I've screwed myself over with my horrible schedule enough.
3/20/21, 7:01 pm
[Juno]I really would like to connect with people but most of the time I'm not sure how. i dont know why I struggle so much with socialization really. its not like I dont like being alone. I enjoy being alone and doing my own thing, but I wish I had more people to relate to.
uh I don't really want to be THAT kind of person who thinks that they're truly different from everyone but I just find it so hard to find my footing in social spaces. probably because there really isnt a good enough space for me lol.
I've spent a really long time just looking and observing everyone around me. I mean i tried a lot of things like changing the way I type, how I act, the people I talk to and the places online I frequent the most. its not too bad when I'm not OUT and doing stuff but I end up feeling lonely and shit all over again when I do front for a bit.
I found my purpose i guess and I found myself but I dont know what else I can do that'll make me comfortable
its shit and all, the whole socializing thing, but I enjoy looking at stuff on the internet and just learning about the people on it ^^ theres a lot of weird people (ahem, chris chan) and ideas that come from online and I just find that very fascinating. it at least gives me something to do. and something to bond over with my systemmates.
anyways. loneliness is a weird and complex feeling. maybe a tulpa will make me feel less lonely lmao
3/18/21, 1:13 am
I'm getting a lot more settled into the motel. I'm starting to enjoy it a lot more than my actual home. I don't think that thats a bad thing, right? I've been spending most of my time half doing my work and mostly staying online with my friends, as well as conversing with my system and yada yada yada. It's not exactly fun here but its a nice break from where I used to live! I've mostly been treating myself well and not fucking things up for future me
My online friends have been a really good distraction to what has been happening (besides the stupid drama that I don't even want to bother with). I've also been working on my own hobbies and personal goals. I think if I updated this site a lot more and added more things it'd make things a lot more fun.
Oh and!! speaking of my site, I just hit over 2000 views on my webpage! I wasn't really confident of my creativity or my personal life but I'm glad I feel a bit better about it. The compliments fuel my ego and keep me going lmao.
I'm tired, and I think its best if I go to bed. I just wanted to give a quick update since I don't want to keep putting things off.
Goodnight now v-v
3/11/21, 2:54 pm
This was one of the moments where having people in your head actually becomes handy. I talked through it with my headmates, mostly C. He was the most supportive through all of this bullshit. It was a surprisingly short process and about a few hours later we were finally settled into the motel with almost an idea of what we were going to do after all this happened. I calmed down by then.
It was actually a pretty nice place... It was nicer than this house ofc. It was a small room, but big enough for leg room if I needed to do some pacing around (walking helps me think). We had a TV with pretty shitty channels on it, but it was a TV nonetheless. We had bunk beds... I took the bottom of course. There was a lot of writing on the wooden beam things. I wonder if I should write something there? Now that I'm thinking back on all of the events from yesterday, it's all coming back as a confused, stressful blur... I was afraid that my mind was just going to split in tens from all the stress.
At least I got to shower, right? We didn't have any body wash so I just stood under the water for a bit, but it was a really, really nice feeling... A feeling I haven't felt since I went to the hospital a year ago. I showered today too, WITH soap this time. I smelled and felt great. C has become really interested in my self-care now that we're able to actually take care of ourselves how we're supposed to. I would've found it annoying if I didn't feel the swelling of gratefulness in my chest.
We're allowed to go back to the house during the day but we have to get home before about 8:00 or so. Only when I walked back into the house and into me and my moms shared room did I realize how terrible of a state everything was in. If I hadn't gone to the hospital when I did then I wouldn't have had a shower in 3 or 4 years. I really don't know why they didn't get the shower fixed sooner, but at least they're doing it now
well, they're being forced to, but still!
And then after all of this is done and my mom ends up getting enough money, we can move and finally get our own place. I feel... Anxious about it actually. I know its not a good thing to feel comfortable in a house that doesn't even have a working shower. I just have a lot of anxiousness about moving or change in general. I don't like thinking about how I'm going to have to adjust to things all over again. I mean, this is what I wanted, but I didn't want to move this way.
In the end all of this was really stressful for both me and my mom, but we were able to laugh about some stuff afterward. Not only that but we're getting closer and finally taking a step in the right direction.
Sorry if this one was kinda lame, just wanted to get all of this out on here before I ended up forgetting or being unable to post here for some reason.
3/9/21, 6:03 pm
The anxiety and the guilt over this whole thing is whats shaking me up the most. My therapist said my complaints about this house was valid, which is why she called cps in the first place. This isn't the first time people have came to my house asking me a whole shit of questions so I think I can handle this. I can handle this. Right? Right.
I've been feeling kinda sick lately. Everytime I eat I feel nauseous. Maybe I'm eating too much?
I'll update how things go tomorrow, or whenever I am able to post here.. Assuming they don't snatch me away from my home by then :( (thats just the worst case scenario though)
P.S: cps wasnt called for abuse or anything. just problems with the house and health issues. I'm fine, I promise.
3/7/21, 5:22 pm
[Odezenne]The silence after the storm is calming.
3/2/21, 7:12 pm
[Juno]i've been here for about 4 or 5 months. wow. it feels weird to actually acknowledge how long i've existed. i dont really remember much from when i first appeared besides all these people who were with me screaming at me from all angles. i was borderline delusional and i soaked up all of manic bipolar bullshit that our host couldn't carry. so i was just some fucked up sponge. no one else was like that. everyone else had 'good' jobs. and then i was birthed out of the minds vag with nothing but trauma, guilt, and rage.
i still feel like a really trash person. I know i deserve most of the things that the rest of the people have but i dont have it and theres nothing i can do about it. instead i just observe people and try and take what makes them special cause i dont know how to handle my own being i guess. i know i exist. im here right now. im typing here. i feel different. i feel separate. but still i feel so fake.
wow i act all "shape up and stop being a bitch" to everyone but when it comes to myself i cut myself too much slack. just the other day i was told "i guess you're a protector" by our host. don't know what changed but I know that you-(dont)-know-who is seething over it. when i first came into the system all i got was death-glares from everyone. "hes disrupting the stability!" i had to be watched like a child. they can tell me they appreciate me now but they didn't before.
its weird how easily people change when you just.. stop acting up. then its all smiles and 'youre the best, juno!'. they dont like me when i freak out.
i dont think anyone is gonna try and delete this after im done but im being careful with what im saying anyways. im not really used to speaking so publicly. i always have something to complain about so i may type here whenever i front.
2/28/21, 11:30 pm
I'd say I've been pretty good despite the impending doom of my failure in school. I've been spending most of my time online, working on personal stuff. I even made a comic as a therapy assignment, as well as a picrew character creator. It made me happy to work on both of these things cause people ended up really enjoying them. I ended up enjoying my work as well. Even if it's a nice, expressive, fun distraction, it's still gonna ruin a lot of things for me. I ruin a lot of things for me. I'm not that good at putting things down when I'm REALLY focused on finishing something. Blessing and a curse :/ I wonder why I care so much about things that aren't really important.
But to be fair isn't my happiness and enjoyment important? I mean, that's what I was always told. Oh god, that reminds me, I made a promise to my therapist that I'd "even out" the workload of my schoolwork this weekend and do some of it. Well I don't think I promised but I did leave with some vague form of promise that I would do it. Well, future me in about 8 or so hours has to worry about that, not current me. I'm kinda irresponsible aren't I :(
Anyways, this was my first journal entry to my site! I didn't know what to talk about so I just put down whatever was in my mind. There is a lot more going on but I think I should mention it tomorrow instead... Its 11:48 pm here.